Couples with children often enter a second marriage erroneously thinking their new family will function just like an ordinary biological family, and that everything and everyone will integrate quickly. They may expect children who are the same age to become close friends or an only child to be overjoyed at having siblings. They may be quite surprised when that does not happen. Many parents are bewildered to discover that their children, who were previously happy sharing activities or outings with the new partner and his or her children, become quite angry and sullen as soon as a wedding is announced.
Children of every age are vulnerable following a divorce and it is only natural for them to feel insecure and jealous. As a result, children often consider newcomers to the family as intruders who threaten to take away their biological parent’s time, affection and attention. Quite commonly they react badly. These children have already been through the trauma of a divorce. They have had to adjust to life with only one parent and seeing their absent parent only at intervals. Now they are being asked to adjust to life in a step family where little or nothing is familiar or the same. Here are four ground rules to help everyone adjust:
Be Clear About Your Role as a Parent
Deciding ahead of time the role each step parent will play in raising their respective children goes a long way toward keeping tensions at a minimum and easing the transition into a blended family. Regardless of how loving you are or how much compassion you have for the losses experienced by your step children, you are not a replacement mother or father, and you cannot resolve your step children’s issues. Don’t expect them to call you Mom or Dad. They need to decide what they want to call you, or you can mutually decide on a name that is comfortable for both of you.
Establish Ground Rules
Even though your children may be living with you, they are spending weekends or vacations with their other parent who may have no rules at all, or an entirely different set of rules and expectations. What may be okay at one house may be not okay at the other. It is important to discuss these differences with your children and be patient with them when they forget whose house they are in. They need to know what to expect and they will need constant reminders.
Be the Adult and Stay Strong
When relationships get rocky, step parents who want to improve their relationship with a step child should not cave in, lose their temper, get outmaneuvered or respond with childlike behavior. The first time you hear “You can’t tell me what to do-you’re not my mom (or dad),” your natural inclination may be to unleash your temper and fire back. It can be quite hurtful to be rejected by a step child who wants nothing to do with you. However, this is one of those situations when you are going to have to hold your tongue, step back, and take a close (and unemotional) look at what is going on. As the older, wiser and more mature people in the family, it is going to be up to you and your spouse to keep family dynamics on a positive course. If relationships are to improve, you are the ones to do it. While few will admit it, most children want to rely on the adults in their family to straighten things out and keep everybody on track. However, this is not a mandate for parents to be bossy or force the relationship in any particular direction.
Change Your Approach
To improve your relationship with a step child, take a look at how you currently approach conversations. Finding a mutually interesting or entertaining topic to talk with your step child about may be challenging, but your caring enough to try will not be lost on him or her. A good place to start is to build on what you know your step child is most familiar with or enjoys most. This might include a favorite television show, a sports event, a game, a friend or a new toy. Choose an opportune moment when you feel the child might be receptive, but take it slow and easy. Children do not respond well to conversations they feel are rehearsed or when they think a parent is on a mission to get them to do something. If, in spite of your best efforts, your stepchild remains indifferent and unresponsive don’t force the issue. Try again at a better time.
Whatever problems you face in creating a new family, all your children need to know beyond any doubt that there is more than enough love to go around for everyone. A happy family life is created by caring, committed people working together to find creative ways to bind their new family unit together. That means that everyone must make an effort to be flexible, tolerant and patient. In spite of the potential pitfalls, you and your partner have chosen to embark on a fresh start. Make the most of it.
