1. What made you realize that you could spend the rest of your lives together? Were you scared at all?
H & Z: With each day that passed, our relationship was more solid and secure. Divorce was NEVER an option - or even a thought.
2. How did you know your spouse was the right one for you?
We grew up together & were best friends before we married. A friend is for life - our marriage has lasted a lifetime
3. Is there anything you would do differently after more than 80 years of marriage?
We wouldn’t change a thing. There’s no secret to our marriage, we just did what was needed for each other & our family.
4. What is your advice to someone who is trying to keep the faith that Mr. Right is really out there?
Zelmyra: Mine was just around the corner! He is never too far away, so keep the faith - when you meet him, you’ll know.
5. What was the best piece of marriage advice you ever received?
Respect, support & communicate with each other.Be faithful, honest & true.Love each other with ALL of your heart
6. What are the most important attributes of a good spouse?
Zelmyra: A hard worker & good provider.The 1920s were hard,but Herbert wanted & provided the best for us.I married a good man!
7. What is your best Valentine’s Day memory?
Zelmyra: I cook dinner EVERY day. Herbert left work early & surprised me – he cooked dinner for me! He is a VERY good cook!
Herbert: I said that I was going to cook dinner for her & she could relax - the look on her face & clean plate made my day!
8.You got married very young – how did you, both, manage to grow as individuals yet not grow apart as a couple?
“Everyone who plants a seed & harvests the crop celebrates together” We are individuals, but accomplish more together.
9. What is your fondest memory of your 85-year marriage?
Our legacy: 5 children, 10 grandchildren, 9 great-grandchildren, and 1 great-great grandchild.
10. Does communicating get easier with time? How do you keep your patience?
The children are grown, so we talk more now. We can enjoy our time on the porch or our rocking chairs - together.
11. How did you cope when you had to be physically separated for long periods of time?
Herbert: We were apart for 2 months when Z was hospitalized with our 5th child. It was the most difficult time of my life. Zelmyra’s mother helped me with the house and the other children, otherwise I would have lost my mind.
12. At the end of bad relationship day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?
Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win
13. Is fighting important?
NEVER physically! Agree that it’s okay to disagree, & fight for what really matters. Learn to bend - not break!
14. What’s the one thing you have in common that transcends everything else?
We are both Christians & believe in God. Marriage is a commitment to the Lord.We pray with & for each other every day.

Here’s are some pointers to help you along the path of winning her love.

First you must make a good first impression. You first impression is a lasting impression. To do this you don’t have to talk, dress or do the common things that other guys do. Be unique. Have your own style. Dress decently, talk decently (i.e. watch your language), show good habits, and don’t drink or smoke if you think this will offend her.

Secondly, patience is the key so don’t rush things. Take your time. Think carefully and plan to steps. Yous plan should always reflect a romantic style.

Thirdly, focus on being the best friend you can be to her. Being her friend and understanding her is important. Understand that she loves to be loved, adores to be adored and needs to be needed. Take the time to get to know what she likes and dislikes, and what her style is. Build your love on friendship for long term success.

Fourthly, find a way to be supportive. Look for opportunities to show that she can count on you to be there for her. Be a friend that she can always turn to. Don’t hesitate to be helpful and supportive. Be that friend who rekindles her zeal and restores hope back into her life when she looses hope. Strive to be her daily vitamin that brings out the best in her in terms of personality and character. Then she will have found that friend whom she can open up to, share with and feel comfortable with. Make it a priority to be there to celebrate the good times, and to lend an ear when she needs you to listen as a friend.

Fifthly, find a way to make her feel special. Do all you can to boost her self esteem. Let her know that she has touched your life in a very special way like no one could. Compliment her often for the pleasure of her company and for being there when you needed her, when you felt sad and all alone. Show appreciations for the comfort she offers you and for making you smile.

Gradually open up to her. In your day to day talks, share more of your dreams, your world, and every aspect of your life. Always take time to dream with her, build with her, cheer her on and encourage her. Tell her how much you think about her even when you try not to. Let her know that she’s your first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing when you go to bed at night. “Her knowing that you were thinking of her when you slipped beneath the softness of your blanket and gave in to the bliss of sweet dreams, will make her go ‘my my’ and her heart will sing your name all the year round.”

Learn to be creative and constructive to keep her interest in you. Stay in contact with her as much as possible without being overly annoying. Call her regularly, even when she least expects it. After a date just drop her home and with a friendly handshake, wish her good night. Don’t kiss her when she expects you to. Earn her respect as a gentleman by being patient with her. Your patience will pay off.

Increase your demand. Make her realize that when she feels tired, sad, sick, bored and cold, she’s actually missing vitamin you. By then, she’ll be so into you and she won’t want to continue without you. Then and only then, with open and honest communication, honestly promise her a lifetime of everlasting devotion, loyalty, respect, and unconditional love. Prove to her that you’ll always be there for her, to listen and to hold her hand, and that you’ll always do your best to make her happy, and feel loved.

I say this quote and wanted to share it with you. It read: “Remember, patience is the key to her heart; be like that gardener watching a fruit as it hangs on the tree, day after day admiring it, but, exercising tremendous self-discipline, neither feeling the fruit, nor pinching it, nor testing it to see if it is ready. And then, one day he holds out his hand and the fruit simply drops into it, ripe, warm and eager to be eaten.”

The more patience and self-control you practice will make you more attractive and charming. This will qualify you to win her heart hands down.

Now do meet the girl of your dreams as soon as possible, make her fall in love with you, and make her feel the happiest woman in the world!

I often illustrate this to women by asking this question:

“If you had a choice between two men and everything about them was exactly the same, with the exception of one being worth millions and one being poor, who would you prefer? Would you select the wealthy one, or the one who was poor?”

Answer: If they were equal in all other aspects, most women state that they would choose the wealthy gentleman. I mean, why not if everything else is equal?

Now when men hear this some are likely to say, “That’s right, all a woman cares about is a guy who makes a lot of money.” In fact, that conclusion would be incorrect. A man would be wrong to assume that just because a woman likes the characteristic of a man with money that she cannot love a man unless he is wealthy. In fact, most women I speak with tell me this, “It isn’t that he has to make a certain amount, but I would like to know that he has the potential to make enough for me to feel comfortable.” In fact, most women are willing and/or expect to help out financially.

This same standard applies to men. If given the choice between a woman whom they believe is very attractive, or one who appears to take no interest in her appearance, they will choose the attractive one. This doesn’t mean that they will only consider a woman who is striking. Take a look at most married men and you will see that plenty of women who would not be considered “perfect” have husbands who choose to marry them. Why would this be? The answer is that the quality of being authentic is actually more potent in the arena of love than perfection. Being authentic causes a woman to act in such a manner that is enchanting.

This woman is well aware that she has issues (don’t we all) and yet, she understands the balance between improving herself and being comfortable with where she is currently in her life. She doesn’t work hard at convincing others (i.e. men) that she is perfect. Rather she is very attune to the needs of her heart, and takes full responsibility for meeting those needs. Men find such a woman adorable.

Here’s an exercise that will illustrate my point. The next time you are in a crowded area take a moment and casually look around at the men. Take at least 5 minutes and you will find that t he men are all looking at the women. ALL OF THE WOMEN! They will be looking at the tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, curvy ones and on and on and on…. Don’t take my word for it. Try it and see for yourself.
You will discover that as a woman, you have exactly what men are looking for.

Author: Sarah Nichols

How to meet the right guy? We all ask the same inane question and at some point in our lives we all are faced with the same predicament. Is there a solution to this? Research will answer that for you. However, you don’t need to look further if you landed on this page. Read on for some valuable information that you might want to employ in your life.

1 – Grow up

Stop thinking that your prince charming will come in his white horse and will sweep you off your feet. You certainly can’t be thinking that way in this day and time. It will be time that you take action and go for something you have not done before. Sitting at one corner in your room and let yourself gather dust is definitely not growing up.

2 – Be patient

While you are out finding him, always instill in your mind that you need to be patient. You can’t expect the right guy to come appearing out of nowhere. He won’t come knocking at your door the very moment you decided to come and find him. He will come in the right place and in the right time. How to meet the right guy is all about patience.

3 – Meet new people

As you go through life, you will meet different people. This will open some window of opportunity for you. Who knows if the right guy is part of the next batch you are going to meet? Who knows if he will be in the party that you are going to attend on Saturday? The only way you can broaden the search is to meet new people.

How to meet the right guy can be a daunting task. Sometimes you might think that the right guy in your gone is already lost in his way and can’t find his path toward you. The worst that could happen is when he has gone ahead of you and left you desolated and alone.

There is hope, dear. As long as you are breathing and alive, you will be able to stumble upon him. Just build and prepare yourself as you wait. Develop the right qualities and the right behavior. Be able to take a sneak peek inside men’s mind and what they do so that when the time comes you will know how to deal with him. For further information, you can go to http://www.freewebs.com/catchandkeephim/

About the Author:

For over 3 Years, Sarah Nichols has helped women everywhere become more of the a woman that men want.

She is now dedicated to helping as many women possible improve their relationships with men by not only showing them the knowledge that she has learned but by giving them the resources to other successful dating advice experts as well.

Visit Catch And Keep Him to Learn How To Find, Attract, And KEEP The Man You’ve Always Wanted…

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - How to Meet the Right Guy – Tips in Finding Him

Author: Sarah Nichols

Should I call him? You might ask. It’s perfectly normal to get your thoughts in this area. However, whether this is the olden times or the present times, men always have this advantage. They are always expected to make the first phone call. This much is true. But are you just going to sit and rot at one corner? Of course you are not expected to. So, how do you deal with the waiting?

1 – Don’t bother

A guy will call if he wants to call. Don’t bother gathering dust at one corner sitting beside the phone just waiting for him 24/7. This is utterly ridiculous for you to do. If you met him on a Saturday, don’t bother waiting for his call on Sunday. Sometimes men just want to play it hard. If he does this, there’s no reason for you not to play it hard as well.

2 – Be busy

Forgetting about the wait would be a whole lot easier if you keep busy. If there are things that you need to do. It is high time that you do it. You can’t accomplish anything if you kept sitting still, waiting from dusk till dawn. He won’t have the urge to call you even if you wait. Should I call him? Don’t!

3 – Move

If men thinks you are in for the wait, show him that you can definitely be ahead of the game. Don’t go depressed just because he did not call. Go to the gym and work out or play your favorite sports. Whatever you do, just move!

There are still a lot of things you can do to deal with the wait. Should I call him? It should be only when you think it is right and only if you can’t contain what you feel any more.

Calling him may be a smart move if you know how he feels about you. However, it can be stressful if he doesn’t feel the same. So, before you go your way calling him, you should at least know how he feels about you first. How to do this? Go http://www.freewebs.com/catchandkeephim/>here and be surprised at how easy it is to read men like a book.

About the Author:

For over 3 Years, Sarah Nichols has helped women everywhere become more of the a woman that men want.

She is now dedicated to helping as many women possible improve their relationships with men by not only showing them the knowledge that she has learned but by giving them the resources to other successful dating advice experts as well.

Visit Catch And Keep Him to Learn How To Find, Attract, And KEEP The Man You’ve Always Wanted…

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Should I Call Him? Ways to Deal with Waiting

Author: Gillian Reynolds

It’s not always that easy to know when a man is in love with you. Men differ from women in many ways but one important one is how they express their feelings. While most women tend to be open about how they are feeling, men are much more guarded and often keep their true emotions hidden. Men just don’t want to be as vulnerable and some simply have trouble expressing verbally what they are feeling emotionally. If that’s the case in your relationship, you need to learn what signals a man gives off that suggests that he’s crazy about you.

One of the ways to know when a man is in love with you has to do with how often you hear from him. If a man has fallen deeply in love with the woman in his life he constantly wants to be in touch. He’ll call whenever he has a free moment and will do almost anything just to spend a few moments with her. Many women take on the belief that they rarely get phone calls from their man because he’s too busy. The fact of the matter is men do call when they are in love. If he’s not calling and if he’s coming up with multiple excuses for why he can’t spend time with you, he’s likely not nearly as interested in you as you are in him.

When a man is in love with you he’s interested in you. Naturally whenever you are dating a man you know that he’s interested to some degree, but it’s different with men who are falling in love. You can tell the difference by how genuine he seems when he’s asking about your life. He’s probably going to want to know just about everything there is to know about you. When a man is falling in love with a woman he will keep the conversation much more focused on her than on himself. You can always tell when a man isn’t that invested in the relationship because he’ll want to talk more about him than about you.

About the Author:

Specific things you say and do can make a man feel helplessly drawn to you. If you are convinced he is the one there are things you can do to ensure he only has eyes for you. For more insightful tips about understanding men including a way to get him to fall deeply in love with you, visit this Informative Site

You don’t have to leave love to fate or chance. If you are tired of waiting for him to fall hopelessly in love, there are things you can do to make it happen now. Find out right now what you need to do to capture his heart forever.

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - How to Know When a Man is in Love With You - Relationship Advice For Women

Author: Beth Banning

Are you having trouble understanding why someone in your life says upsetting things to you? Why would they want to hurt you like that? Would you believe that it is really them and has absolutely nothing to do with you? Once you come to terms with this idea you can irrevocably free yourself of the anxiety and frustration that comes when you think you are being harmed by other peoples words or actions.

Feeling Insulted?

it is tricky not to get offended when someone says something hurtful to you. We all want to get defensive and might go right back at them with something even more cutting. However, when you understand what causes the other person to act that way, you will actually come to understand that it has little or nothing to do with you! It is strange to think that you are one-half of an conversation with another person, and yet the painful words they blurt out may have less than nothing to do with you but it’s positively true.

That Person Has Serious Issues!

Have you ever noticed when you talk to a friend about the distasteful things your boy/girlfriend, husband/wife, mother/father… just said to you, they reply with, Well, it sounds like they must have problems they need to deal with. Actually, that’s true! it’s difficult to believe, though, because we all think that the world rotates around us, that everything said has to have something to do with us. That person’s got to want to offend me in some way, otherwise he would never have said that to me, right?

Actually, it’s very important for us to step back and realize that it isn’t all about us all the time. If you eliminate yourself from the situation and see it from the other persons point of reference, you can see that your boy/girlfriend, cousin, sister/brother… does in fact have troubles they are attempting to work out. The words they say are meant to speak to one of two issues: (1) a desire to meet their needs, or (2) in support of something that they value. Even though in the moment these words are challenging to hear in those terms, we all are likely to talk this way and say things that are trying to meet one or both of those criteria.

When we understand that their words are meant to meet their needs or support their values, it is much easier to react lightly to what others say to us. We all tend to get offended when something is said that seems hurtful, but if we remind ourselves of the reasons they said those things in the first place, we can see that it really has nothing to do with us at all. This relieves stress and creates a better environment to move on with things without feeling hurt.

For instance, you have just left work to drive home after learning that you got a big raise. You are incredibly excited and you call your very best friend to tell them the good news. As you tell them the news, you realize they are not as happy for you as you had hope. that’s a lot of hours to work. You are going to be so exhausted everyday. I’ll be surprised if you can make it six months in your new position. Wow, now that was yucky!

Why doesn’t your friend seem please for you? Why would they say something so unfriendly to you? If you discovered that they had been passed up for a promotion the day before, would that change the way you react? What if your friend told you that they were worried your new promotion would cut into the time you spend together? When you think of all the reasons that your friend could have said these things, you realize that in fact none of them are because of you.

As you take this all in, you discover that reacting emotionally and letting the discomfort overwhelm you will not help the situation at all. When you step back and put yourself in the other persons shoes, you can begin to see that getting upset will only make things worse.

How Might Mother Theresa React?

Imagine one of the most selfless people in the entire world, Mother Theresa. What if someone came up to her and said, I don’t think you’re that great. Look at all the people that support you to do what you do. I think you’re overestimated. its challenging to imagine Mother Theresa getting irritated and frustrated over a comment like this. (In fact, it’s hard to imagine anyone having the nerve to say that to her, but let us imagine just for the sake of argument.)

Many people might reply to a comment like that by saying, What have you done in your life? You’ve got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, you’re pitiful!
However, it’s hard to believe Mother Theresa replying in that way. But why is this? Does she know something that others do not?

Well, yes. Mother Theresa recognizes how to let go of the resentment and the hurt that can come from misinterpreting comments like that. She recognizes that the reason behind such remarks come as from a persons desire to satisfy their needs and to help support the things they value. In this situation the person probably feels very disappointed with what they’ve accomplished and needs some encouragement. Looking for flaws in others is a common strategy to feel better about oneself–a approach that never works very well or for very long.

Accepting

it’s challenging to fight off the feelings of hurt and resentment, but when you learn to step back and think about the situation from a different perspective you will be relieved at how upset -free your life can be. When you stop fixating on what others are saying to you and realize that they are simply attempting to deal with their own issues, you are much better off. In turn, you open yourself up to a authentic compassion for yourself and the people around you.

So next time you notice yourself getting upset by the words of another, stop and tell yourself it’s not about you. Experience the true compassion that comes from walking in the other person’s moccasins. Ask yourself: “what might be going on for me that could cause me to say or do that.” Then let yourself relax knowing that it’s not about you and that we’re all just attempting to meet our needs and support the things we value.

About the Author:

Did you discover new ways to be instead of offended? If you liked this article, check out the other “>http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com”> relationship advice we have to offer by signing up for our free, thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com

Each tip offers practical advice for creating the relationships that you really want.

Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Not Your Typical Relationship Advice

Author: Daryl Campbell

Remember the early days of your dating relationship? What a time you both had. It seemed like every moment you got together it was music, fun and excitement. Some of your family and friends even hated to see you coming because the two of you were so into each other it made people nauseous. You are probably right when you say they were just jealous. And guess what? Neither one of you could have cared less. The relationship was fresh, spontaneous and exhilarating.

And then it happened. You cannot quite put your finger on when exactly it took place but it happened. Whether it occurred sometime after you got married or six months into your dating relationship is inconsequential. All you know is the music, fun and excitement went on permanent vacation. What took their place? The routine.

One of the mains reasons many couples get blind sided by the routine is the seduction of familiarity. You naturally want to become well acquainted with the other person in the hopes that it leads to greater intimacy between the two of you. That is the point of relationships. Unfortunately, familiarity also inspires a certain amount of self-satisfaction. In other words consciously or unconsciously, many couples tell themselves the prize has been won so there is no need to continue the game.

While some people do not consider this a big deal, in essence it is a planted seed that can spell trouble somewhere down the road. It is only a hop, skip and a jump from familiarity to routine to dissatisfaction.

Now there is no question that your relationship is going to have certain amount of routine due, in some part to circumstances beyond your control; for instance your work schedules may only allow the two of you to get together on specific days and times. However there are things you can do to keep the relationship fresh:

1. The Thrill of the Impulsive

When your relationship was just starting out, spontaneity ruled. The two of you did not even think twice about hopping into a car and going to places you had never been or trying out a new restaurant with food you never heard of. There was something thrilling and wonderful about not knowing what you were getting into yet still having the courage to explore anyway.

Routine tells you to be rational and self conscious. What if people are looking or you run into someone you both know? The answer is “who cares?” Sure being spontaneous may not work out every time but do it anyway and go with the flow. Unplanned adventures big or little have a way of adding excitement and in many cases some serious laughs to the relationship which is very healthy and great way to reconnect.

2. It is Not Your Birthday

Or anniversary or any other major routine event but do not let that stop you from buying small gifts for each other. In fact you can just as easily create your own special days. It could be the anniversary of your third date or the time you both laughed through the worst movie you ever saw. Occasionally giving a small gift for no particular reason lets the other person know that they are always in your heart.

3. Date Again

Not just going out to dinner either because that also can become routine. Instead plan a time outside of your normal schedules and treat it like you did during the early days of the relationship. Get yourselves spruced up. Go at it with the mindset that you are making every effort to make a good impression. Having a special time together at least once a week can throw a beautiful monkey wrench into the routine machine. .

It is nothing out of the ordinary for a relationship to lose some of its zing over time. The problem comes when couples accept the routine as normal and do not do anything to restore the excitement and unpredictability they once had. You can always reverse the process by being spontaneous, give small gifts for no reason other than to let the other person know you love them and start dating again like it is the first time. This all requires constant effort but the payoff of an exciting relationship is well worth it.

About the Author:

Daryl Campbell invites you to get tons of relationship and dating tips, tools, videos, up to the minute information as well as a free copy of 101 Romantic Ideas. It’s all at The Dating Tip

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Relationship Advice: the Danger of the Routine

Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

In my work with couples over the years, I’ve learned that it’s just as important to take note of what’s working in a relationship than what isn’t. And, although people have different ways of naming it, what many successful couples share in common is the ability to take perspective.

The ability to take perspective is vital to your relationship. Let’s look at some of the ways taking perspective works:

The big-picture mindset

When your relationship hits a lull or rough patch, you become nearsighted. You see all the problems that are close at hand clearly while the other parts of your relationship (which might include a loving history and numerous strengths) becomes blurred. For many couples this can lead to serious problems since their relationship begins to feel broken and hopeless.

If you hold a big-picture mindset, you’re able to experience the trials and tribulations that all couples go through without drowning in them. This is because you’re able to hold onto the other, positive facets of your relationship while you’re dealing with the stressful events. This larger perspective allows you to be upset with your partner in the moment while feeling secure about the relationship.

The awareness of life’s transitory nature

When you’ve encountered pain in your life, you may have heard or recalled the oft-repeated phrase, “This, too shall pass.” For many, the mindset that all experiences — even difficult ones — have a beginning and an end provides comfort. If you and your partner adopt this approach, you’ll be better equipped to weather the stormy periods every relationship experiences, because you’ll hold onto the hope that in time the tides will shift in your favor.

This is a powerful form of perspective-taking. It places all events on a timeline. Have you ever noticed how something can feel so enormous one day yet almost insignificant a few days later? You can use the perspective of “This too shall pass” by asking yourself the following question:

How important is this issue to me today? How important will it a month from now? A year from now?

Answering these questions will help you build greater perspective in your relationship. Note that using this kind of perspective should never become an excuse for not working on issues that are important to you and your partner. This isn’t about developing a laissez faire attitude. Rather, it’s to help you place events in a perspective that will allow you to work on issues in a level-headed manner.

Stepping in your partner’s shoes

Your viewpoint is one reality and your partner’s is another. At times these viewpoints will overlap (and your relationship will feel harmonious), while at other times they will be quite different (causing tension between you and your partner). When differences exist, it’s reflexive to defend your own position and see your partner as wrong or unsympathetic. Since your partner is probably feeling the same way about you, this is a lose-lose situation for your relationship. In these moments couples often become deeply entrenched in their conflicting positions and wage a futile battle.

What do you think would happen if you were to temporarily shelve your well-defended opinions and attempt to see the world through your partner’s eyes? Such a flexible and empathic stance will allow you and your partner to feel connected even while disagreeing with one another. Taking your partner’s perspective (even when you might not agree with him or her) is a surefire way to keep your relationship strong and healthy. I realize this is easier said than done and, once emotions escalate, nearly impossible.

A good rule of thumb is to practice taking your partner’s perspective (while s/he practices taking yours), before things get too heated. You’ll avoid many unnecessary fights and feel closer to each other this way.

Learning to take perspective is just one way to create a stronger relationship. To discover others, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE monthly newsletter. As a bonus, you’ll receive two FREE reports that you can begin using immediately with your partner.

About the Author:

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Relationship Advice: a Simple Mindset That Can Transform your Relationship

Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

Communication is the foundation of your relationship. Without it, you can’t really have much of a relationship–just imagine how futile it is to build a house on quicksand rather than concrete. And with healthy, reciprocal communication, your marriage or relationship will continue to evolve in a positive direction.

Therefore, it behooves all of us to understand the fundamentals of communication so that we can apply them to our cherished relationships. It’s easy to lose sight of these fundamentals and wonder why your relationship is in trouble.

Communication basics:

All conversations involve a speaker (the person sending messages) and a listener (the person receiving messages). You’ll need different skills for each role. An effective speaker without an effective listener is like a billboard in a desert. Communication breaks down when you (or your partner) fail to use the different skills needed in the respective roles of speaker and listener.

Let’s look at the fundamentals of each role.

The ABC’s of an effective Speaker:

A: Acknowledgement. Start with your needs.

As the speaker, your goal is to acknowledge your needs and share them with your partner, not to shine a spotlight on your partner. For instance, if you’re frustrated with your partner’s failure to help out around the house, you might say, “I’ve been doing most of the cleaning and it feels unfair to me. I need us to be a team and work together around the house,” instead of, “You never help me. What do you do all day?”

B: Body Language. Be aware of how you send your messages.

All communication includes a what (the content of your message) and a how (how you deliver the content). Body language is the how–the message’s gift wrapping. Very often, this is the message your partner will remember most. The tone and volume of your voice, facial expression, eye contact, and posture will enhance or block your message. Like an email message that ends up snagged by a spam filter, if your body language exudes disinterest, judgement or hostility, your partner is likely to disregard your message.

C: Clarity. Keep your message simple and consistent.

Your message needs to be clear and easy to understand, or else your partner will be confused and unsure of your needs. Clarity begins with knowing what you want to say before you say it. Jumping from topic to topic and/or sending mixed messages violates the clarity rule. Make every effort to stay “on task” while you’re discussing something with your partner. How many of us would be able to internalize a message if we’re unsure of what the message really is, or if we feel overwhelmed by pop-up tangents?

The ABC’s of an effective Listener:

A: Attentiveness. Be attentive and focus your energy on your partner’s message.

As the listener, your job is to show that you are interested in what your partner is saying. This occurs through commonsense courtesy (not answering the phone or checking email while your partner is speaking) and through the unspoken messages you send with body language (eye contact, nodding when appropriate, sitting up straight, not fidgeting).

B: Bite your Tongue. Your job as the listener is to understand your partner’s point of view.

There’s a saying in twelve-step treatment programs that goes something like: Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. As the listener, don’t interrupt or talk over your partner (even when you don’t agree with what s/he is saying). Don’t plan your retort the entire time your partner is speaking. Work on being receptive and open to your partner’s message rather than contemplating counter-arguments.

C: Curiosity and Clarification. Simple questions communicate genuine interest while helping you gain clarity.

When appropriate (when your partner isn’t in the middle of a statement), show genuine curiosity by asking questions–questions that will help you clarify what your partner needs. You don’t have to be Dr. Phil to do this well. The most powerful questions are simple: Are you OK? What can I do? How can I help? When you show curiosity and seek clarification, your partner will feel that you’re engaged and interested.

This simple ABC model of communication can go a long way in helping you become a more effective communicator. To build a stronger relationship, share these ideas with your partner. Practice taking turns as the speaker and listener. Before you know it, your communication ABC’s will become a habit and your relationship or marriage will reap the benefits.

To discover other tips on how to improve your marriage or relationship, visit http://StrengthenYourRelationship.com/ and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s FREE Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will receive two FREE reports that will help you build a stronger, more vibrant relationship.

About the Author:

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.

Article Source: ArticlesBase.com - Relationship Advice: the Abc’s of Effective Communication