Perfect (P) Relationship

As the season approaches for celebration and festivity, it also brings with it many more opportunities for conflict and misunderstanding. Many couples enter this time of year unaware of the dangers that lurk along the path from Christmas to New Year’s Day. These dangers can be a real problem for your relationship with a partner, spouse, or significant other. The best defense for protecting your investment of time and energy into the relationship is to understand the underlying causes of the conflict and the appropriate response when the conflict arises. Here are some relationship tips to help you and your loved one survive these times.
Many people view conflicts in a relationship as a bad sign, as if couples should not have disagreements. We must first understand that conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships. Moreover, they can be seen as excellent opportunities for both personal and relational growth. The key is getting a clear understanding of the root cause of the conflict and looking at it from that perspective. Healthy relationships recognize that conflict is not something to be avoided or minimized. Rather, it should be embraced as a lesson and a signal that something needs to change or grow in either or both people.
However, couples often have areas of conflict that cause repetitive arguments. These can be very difficult to resolve. If you are experiencing such conflict, consider the following method to resolve your boyfriend problems or your girlfriend problems. If you are unable to successfully resolve the problem using these tools, it probably means the issue is deeper and may require professional help.
To resolve an ongoing conflict:
1. Identify the area of conflict as specifically as possible. You cannot solve a conflict which is vaguely defined.
EXAMPLES OF POORLY DEFINED CONFLICTS:
“You’re a slob.”
“The house is a mess.”
“I don’t like the way you look at other women/men.”
“You’re starting to get on my nerves with all this talk about the holidays.”
“You always run up the credit cards.”
“You don’t talk to me anymore or spend time with me.”
EXAMPLES OF WELL DEFINED CONFLICTS:
“I feel we’re not working as a team on the house cleaning.”
“I’m feeling insecure with all the people around and the parties going on.”
“I feel stressed out about the upcoming holiday and not being fully prepared.”
“I feel anxious because we haven’t yet paid off our debts and started saving for retirement.”
“I feel depressed around this time of year, and I’m not the most sociable person right now.”
2. Using the “Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise,” take turns stating your feelings and thoughts on the issue. This is an effective and open way to implement relationship help.
-Take as long as needed to state your position and feel that your partner has really heard you.
-Just doing this communication exercise sometimes resolves a conflict, though not always.
-Do not go to the next step until both of you feel heard by the other.
3. Brainstorm at least five possible solutions.
-Be creative!
-Don’t worry about being practical; focus on generating as many solutions as possible.
-Write down all the solutions.
4. Go through the solution list together and pick one that you both agree to try.
-There may be one obvious solution, or you may both have to compromise somewhat to agree on a solution.
-Remember that no solution is carved in stone! This is an experiment for a limited period of time. It will be evaluated and changed if it doesn’t meet both partners’ needs.
5. State the experimental solution as specifically as possible. Write it down if you like.
EXAMPLE OF A POORLY DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
“We’ll put on music and clean the house when it gets dirty.”
EXAMPLE OF A WELL DEFINED SOLUTION STATEMENT:
“Every Thursday night at 8:00 PM, we’ll both clean the house for two hours. I will vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom; you will dump the garbage and clean the kitchen floor. We’ll take turns choosing music every other week to help make it more fun.”
6. Agree on a specific date and time (usually within 2-4 weeks) to review how the experimental solution is going.
-Take these dating tips and solutions as seriously as your relationship, and make sure nothing will interfere with the solution review.
-Use the “Healthy Constructive Communication Exercise” to review how it’s going for each of you.
-Decide if you want to continue implementing the solution.
-If you don’t like the solution, modify or enhance it if possible. If that’s not possible, start over at the beginning of this exercise.